Repeatable

Euphoria!

I am a free animal

I am in the world but not of the world

Without attachment, my heart soars!

Peace, Serenity and Trust -- but Verify!

Today, I anticipate 10 days of blissful non-work ahead. i had no patients this morning, so I came into work late. I did not notify the service chief and he paged me mid morning wanting to know where I was... nailed!

I was dutifully humble and contrite. He bought it. I keep my job. Praise God!

I sometimes wish I could squeeze my head like a zit and smear the extruded contents on some fantastic sort of GUI screen or scanner and have my thoughts and emotions appear in an eloquent profound world changing form. Instead,this is what comes out. This and a little bit of pus.

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I am almost alone in the clinic this Friday before Christmas. As I was reaching for my coat to leave I (naturally) get paged to see an old WWII POW who has a decubitus foot wound -- no big deal, usual crappy timing... The gentleman is unable to get out of his wheelchair, so I must get on the floor to treat him. He has dementia, and is not able to give me much helpful information about himself. He has momentary spells of lucency however... but is otherwise hunched over and quiet. When he does speak he is gentle and kind.

I look into his eyes and it's like looking into a mirror. I read the same fixed expressions of wonder and abandonment to ones situation. I see a remnant of a played-out playful spirit. He and I are both reticent ... and I see a look in his eyes that he recognises something familiar in mine. It's like were both looking at ourselves. In me he sees himself as a younger man, and in him, I see myself as an older man. Neither one of us understands anything.

Do I love God more than Max Loves me?

...maybe...
I imagine God might delight in us as we delight in our pets. My dog Max is far from perfect. He does what he wants instead of what I want him to do. He has his own will - and his own agenda. He will often obey, but it's not something I can count on. I love this dog more than I love most people. He is pure in his heart. He wants little more than approval and love.

Which is all I really crave from God.

I suppose (know) that I must stray from Gods will. I love my freedom and have a free will of my own. If Gods will were clear to me - and if I could count on love and approval, I would probably not waiver in faith. -- Max too, must feel this way about obeying me.

Even though he frustrates me sometimes, I love his independence. I treasure his company and steadfast loyalty.

I hope God feels this way towards me.

Panic!

Perhaps what others call panic, I perceive to be anxiety. I feel anxiety when personal situations and events seem outside my sphere of control. I know some causes - at work, when I have several tasks at once to accomplish and a sense of urgency exists for more than one, I become anxious. I feel a different kind of anxiety when I feel accountable for another persons bad or hurt feelings (another situation that I have no control). There are magnitudes in these scales, naturally.

Ironically, in times of emergency or physical danger, I often feel a surreal calm. This is not a constant with me, though.

I recall feeling a true panic once when Laura was about two years old. I was watching her while doing some work in the backyard. I was raking lawn clippings and carrying them to compost. I turned my attention from her for less than 5 minutes. When I turned to check on her, she was gone. I ran around and then inside the house looking for her. With each passing moment I imagined the worst. I eventually ran down the lane that lead up the hill to our home. She was placidly sitting on a pile of gravel, throwing stones into a ditch. -- That was panic!

Upon self examination, I can recall times when I have been anxious and have caused undo stress on others. I started writing this a few moments ago reflecting on the negative feelings that angsty individuals have aroused in me. It never fails that if I reflect honestly, I can recall causing such unto others.

I didn't want to have to get so humble for this entry... well, crap!

OUCH!

This reminds me of people around the holidays. I have to face many labile people this time of year. I just wish I knew how to unwind some of them.

Ailments become a good focal point of distraction. It allows people to share their pain with others. It's especially satisfying for some to hold others captive over some trivial condition - and if possible make the captive accountable somehow for their unhappiness.

This poor bastard, on the other hand, had my undivided attention and has earned my sympathetic ear. It seems his chief complaint was his unhappy wife and his sad upbringing (the broken toe was incidental).

Does anyone want to hear more about my drinking problem?

God bless us!

It's Three Days Later...

... and little has changed. I'm still feeling older than I want to be. I'm stiff and sore - and I feel like I need to get some exercise today -- but my body is complaining.

I used to have great ideas for things to write about. I used to imagine how I would write about events that were happening to me - while the events were happening to me. I imagined myself an expressive and creative writer; an untapped talent.

I thought the experiences of raising children, surviving crushing debt and overcoming oppression at work while helping others would give me plenty of stimulus to write passionate tomes about human truths. I didn't think I had to practice my craft like I once did, because the present experiences were the fuel for future writing. "Later," I said, "I'll have so much life experience under my belt that precious texts would pour from my head... later."

Later has come and gone. Now I'm tired and dull. I drink too much. I've gotten paunchy and lazy. I merely exist uninspired day to day. I work only as much as I need to to get paid. My children are older - in High School and College. They don't need me like they used to.

This sounds depressing and whiney -- and it is -- but I'm trying to kick-start this post.

I'll get cheerful later.