Panic!

Perhaps what others call panic, I perceive to be anxiety. I feel anxiety when personal situations and events seem outside my sphere of control. I know some causes - at work, when I have several tasks at once to accomplish and a sense of urgency exists for more than one, I become anxious. I feel a different kind of anxiety when I feel accountable for another persons bad or hurt feelings (another situation that I have no control). There are magnitudes in these scales, naturally.

Ironically, in times of emergency or physical danger, I often feel a surreal calm. This is not a constant with me, though.

I recall feeling a true panic once when Laura was about two years old. I was watching her while doing some work in the backyard. I was raking lawn clippings and carrying them to compost. I turned my attention from her for less than 5 minutes. When I turned to check on her, she was gone. I ran around and then inside the house looking for her. With each passing moment I imagined the worst. I eventually ran down the lane that lead up the hill to our home. She was placidly sitting on a pile of gravel, throwing stones into a ditch. -- That was panic!

Upon self examination, I can recall times when I have been anxious and have caused undo stress on others. I started writing this a few moments ago reflecting on the negative feelings that angsty individuals have aroused in me. It never fails that if I reflect honestly, I can recall causing such unto others.

I didn't want to have to get so humble for this entry... well, crap!